Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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