I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
