You were right. It hurts to walk today.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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