So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
