Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
