Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
