the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
