i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
