theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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