These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
