I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
