My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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