So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
