I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
