I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
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Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
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I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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