babies were throwing up all over the place
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
