I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
