When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
