dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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