Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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