toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I got chris browned last night
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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