My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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