maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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