i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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