Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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