grandma shit on top of the toilet
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.