It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Couch. On fire.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.