How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
