my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
