I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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