dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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