so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
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So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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