Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
