I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
