His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
