Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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