I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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