We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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