GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
