i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
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she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
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Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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