I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
