I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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