i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
