Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
