The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
