Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
