Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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