When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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