tell your sister to shave her snatch
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
