Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
