Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You can't motorboat a personality
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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