I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
