Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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