I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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