the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He shit in the fireplace
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
